A Dog Mom Rap For Those Who Raise Fur Babies

Dog Mom Anthem

It’s Mother’s Day and over the past few years I’ve written posts about this annual “Hallmark” Holiday that are artistic, sensitive, insightful, moving, adorable and a even a little bit wicked.

Dog Mom Anthem

Dog Mom Anthem

This year, because of a wonderfully spot-on video from Bark & Co., the folks behind the popular monthly subscription service BarkBox, I had to skew my post toward Dog Moms.

If you’ve ever fed your dog organic food, let them sleep in your bed, buy them numerous toys and treats or have a camera roll full of doggie photos, this is right up your alley.

The Dog Mom Anthem is a two and a half minute rap written and performed by dogmoms T-Spoon and ZZtophalf. It is hilariously accurate, entertaining and lovingly mocks the lives of us women (yes, me included) whose dogs are our “babies.”

Bark & Co posted the video on their Bark Box facebook page but with those awful annotations for those idiots who can’t figure out what they’re watching. Nevertheless, it went viral.

Here it is as it was meant to be viewed:

Wake up in the morning my dog’s on a routine
Walk him in my jammies don’t care if I’m seen

Covered in fur, poop bags in my pocket
I know I look good so don’t get a red rocket.

Casually strollin with a turd in my hand
Wondering where the hell’s the closest trash can

Peeing everywhere Brooklyn Bridge to the Rockies
He’s Markin’ territory – s’what we do on our walkies

Never leave the house without my lint roller
Hell yea I got a geriatric pug in this stroller (Kirnan with Noodle in a stroller)

His instagram is popping I don’t mean maybe
He gets more likes than my sister’s baby

If you’re a dog mom here’s your camera roll
It’s just my dog’s face no matter how far you scroll

Storage is full? I’m like, psh, Siri please.
That’s why I rock him on my wall, shirt and keys

If you’re a dog mom, put your hands up
This song’s for all the ladies who provide for their pup

When you’re a dog mom this is what you do
Cause they say your not my baby and I know it ain’t true

Went to the vet cause her poop was volcanic
We put her on a diet now that shit is organic

Bought him elevated bowls I’m a boss breadwinner
Now he doesn’t strain his neck while he’s eating his dinner

Toys & chews that’s where I’m throwin’ my paper
Don’t forget treats! It’s turkey-duck flavor

We poppin’ bottle service at the dog-friendly joints
if i cant bring my dog then I just don’t see the point

Here’s an invitation and don’t be tardy
I’m goin’ all out for my dog’s birthday party

Show up lookin fly & we’re sippin’ on Titos (Zoe)
She’s the life of the party: “And her paws smell like Fritos!”

If you’re a dog mom, put your hands up
This song’s for all the ladies who provide for their pup

When you’re a dog mom this is what you do
Cause they say your not my baby and I know it ain’t true

Feeling mad pride when he rips out the stuffin’, i even give props when he doesn’t do nuthin
*spoken* You’re amazing

On my nanny cam while I’m in a board meeting,
Wonder what she’s doing “OH GOD WHAT ARE YOU EATING”

Reunited coming home, yo that shit is sacred
When i take off her collar, it looks like she’s naked!

So bomb at belly scratches, i’m like a dog masseuse
And I know he ‘ppreciates cause he brings me his Moose!

Don’t need a man when i come home
Cause my bed is a literal bone zone.

Fall asleep to the sound of you licking your parts
But you wake us both up when you’re scared of your farts

Can’t wait to wake up and do it over again
Say it with me now: DOGS ARE WOMAN’S BEST FRIEND

Ha! Ha! We out!
But we immediately want to come back in again.

• To download the track go to: https://ruv.me/dogmoms4eva

Should you want some of the dog lady swag featured in the video, check out the Dog Moms collection on BarkShop

Written and Performed by: T-Spoon and ZZtophalf
Audio track and mixing/sound engineer: Billy Conahan
Produced by: Lisa Bernier + BARK
Video produced by: Katie Haller, Zoe Costello, Katie Kirnan, Wheaton Simis, Tim Skinner, Ally Nesmith, Lisa Bernier, Stacie Grissom + BARK